I Lost It Today

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew it—I knew I lost it.  I let anger, frustration and impatience get the best of me and my mouth delivered an uncomely reply hurling towards my hubby Luis.  I wasn’t in control anymore—I have lost control over my cool and consequently, over my tongue.

You see, my usually sweet Caleiya didn’t quite get up on the right side of bed this morning but after a fair amount of coaxing and a couple of distractions, we managed to get to church.  She is then most happy to see her friends and everyone else at church.  Fast forward, an instance occurs when she asks me for something I couldn’t possibly provide her simply because there wasn’t any.  I gave her other options and alternatives and talked to her calmly.  You may say, that should have been the end of it, but that’s easy for you to say as that doesn’t end there for my child as she will insist on it till kingdom come.  So unreasonable you may say, but I have come to realize that these things aren’t unreasonable for her tiny mind.  And in her tiny mind, she asks, “Why can’t I have what I want or asking for?”  Most of the time, not even a “reasonable” amount of explaining or reasoning with her works.  So in her own frustration, she begins to vent it out in a tantrum—lots of tears and loud cries.

I feel a tiny crack within me.

When I am at my wits end with my children, my dear hubby comes to the rescue.  The turn-over was the tricky part as when he was getting info on the tantrum situation, my manner of speech towards him was sour.  His voice was loud but my reply was even louder with a side of harsh.

This was the moment I lost it.

As it turns out, I wasn’t all well within myself when I got out of bed this morning.  I may seem to have come to church so put together but I was so fragile within. 

And just when I thought everything is once again well under control, like adding insult to injury, Caleiya throws an even bigger tantrum after Caiden scribbled something on her artwork.  It’s time to go home—quickly!  So off we went to the parking lot and into the car.  I gave out a big sigh after we’re all strapped into our seats and looked at my hubby and asked, “Are we okay? Are you and I okay?” To which he replied, “Yeah we’re fine, dear.”  I was surprised at his answer as I most definitely wasn’t ok with him thinking he wasn’t ok with me at the turn-over of the first tantrum situation.

We sat in the car for a few minutes and talked awhile.  Apparently, he didn’t make much of a big deal about the way I replied to him as he just wanted to know the situation asap so he could remedy it.  It then hit me and it hit me hard as I realized that all this while, I was churning offense within me that made me even more vulnerable.  My battle isn’t with my hubby nor with my children, my battle is within myself.   The heart of the matter is the condition of my heart.

Caleiya then blurted out, “Let’s give Caiden away! I don’t want a baby brother anymore!”  I looked at Luis and we both laughed.  Something in my heart shifted instantly.  Now, all is well with my soul.

Does it matter if my hubby spoke to me in a loud voice?  Does it matter if my child was having a terrible tantrum?  Honestly, the things that other people do or say most of the time is out of my control but I have complete control over my own thoughts, emotions, speech and actions—that’s what matters most.

I misconstrued the urgency of my hubby’s voice to anger.  Would replying to him calmly have changed the situation? I don’t think so because he would still have come to the rescue and would have taken Caleiya out of my hands to find a solution to the tantrum situation (which he obviously did).  If I replied to him calmly then I would have calmed my own nerves and kept my cool—it was for my sake.

[Proverbs 15:1]  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

As children will have their best and worst moments, we adults can only hope to not only guide and nurture them to always be at their best but to also love and understand them when they are at their worst.  Anyways, we as adults are supposed to be the ones far more capable of such depth and width in understanding and patience towards the young ones.  After all, they are just children—for now.

I thank those who offered a hand and not another parenting tip or advise…

I thank those who gave out encouraging words and not sighs of exasperation…

I thank those who expressed a nod of acknowledgment and not indifference or apathy…

I thank those who uttered a prayer or two and not criticism or a piece of their mind…

I thank you all who looked on with concern and not with judgment towards my child or towards us as parents…

We really could use a lot more love and a lot less negativity in this already challenging journey of life.  May God bless us all the more with grace, compassion and understanding!